if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
