Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
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