Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
