Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize