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My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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