yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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