Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
