Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
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