Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
