Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
