You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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