The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
