Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
