yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
