do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
