I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
