she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
