What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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