She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
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