Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
