Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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