you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I will pee on everything he values.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I just gargled with NyQuil
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
