just survived the first fart of the relationship.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
should my penis look like a turkey
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
