so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
This is my life. Enjoy the view
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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