guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
