I'm sorry my penis didn't work
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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