Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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