doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
