Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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