I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Randomize
