I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
