Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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