Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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