she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
