You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
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