Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
