Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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