my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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