I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
