I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
