He asked to "fluff my boner.."
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
