and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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