Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
