If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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