i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
