Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
