After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
My vagina just clenched in fear
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
