I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
