I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
