Can Purell be used as lube?
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
