This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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