his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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