i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
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