Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
