So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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