I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
