Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Randomize
