i would punch a child for taco bell
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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