pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
