how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
