On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
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